Category: Doug Kramer

Just some good clean e-mail fun.

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Doug Kramer #3

An email sent to a nutritionist…

“Hi Ms. Jxxxxxxn,

Sorry for the direct and out-of-no-where email.  My name’s Doug and I’m in need of some nutritional advice and was given your name.  So, I want to lose weight.  Who doesn’t, right???  Anyways, I’ve always had some body-image issues and my weight has been the thorn in my side.  I’ve tried all the trendy diets and cleanses, but the number on the scale just yo-yos.  I did the atkins diet for awhile, and that stuck but was really hard to sustain for anything longer than a month.  With that said, I’ve decided to seek some nutritional counseling and see if that helps.  I’ll be up front and say that I don’t have a ton of money, because a lot of my funds are allocated to other areas of my life right now– but we can’t talk $$ later.
So, a little about me…I’m a 31 year old male, 5’5 (5’7″ on a good day!), 196lbs (yikes, right!?!?).  My goal weight is to be about 120lbs with a very slender and lean look.  Obviously, I don’t want to look like skin stretched over bones, but I want to look just fabulous.  I’m having some pretty intense surgery in April and want to make the most of my time pre-op to really lose some serious weight.   Post-op in May or June I’ll be going in for a breast augmentation to complete the transition from male to female.  Currently, I’m under a strict regimen of hormone pills — that alone is wreaking havok with my body!  I’m not even a woman yet and I’m having PMS!  Anyways, I digress.  I know that my situation is a little outside the norm, but I wanted to at least contact you to see if you could help me get to my goal weight safely and sustainably.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Doug (Danielle)
Response:
From: mxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com
To: Doug Kramer
Hi Doug,

Thanks for reaching out to me and sharing your story. Can I ask you who referred my services to you?

Thanks

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Doug Kramer #2

An email to a personal trainer…

“Hello CXXXX,

I hope you don’t mind me taking the initiative of contacting you, but I’m very interested in getting some personal training. I’m a newer member and saw you training someone the other day with some boxing drills. Looked intense!  It made me sweat just watching.  Anyways, I spoke to your supervisor Kristen (?) about contacting and gave me your info.

So here’s the deal: I want to get cut!  I’ve never been in a fight before, but I want to look like I could take a motherfucker down, you know??  I used to play a lot of sports. That’s how I met my wife. I was the quarterback and she was the cheerleader, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, I’ve put on some pounds since high school/college which is why I think my wife is cheating on me. I’m not certain yet, but when i catch the asshole that’s boning my wife, I want to be able to fuck him up…or at least scare the shit out of him with my chisled body. In the meantime, I want to make my wife extremely jealous by having other — preferrably younger– girls crawling all over my “tip”!

Anyways, I’ve gone ahead and purchased some sessions and stoked for us to get started. Oh, no need to stretch me out at the end of our sessions, I feel weird about guys touching me like that. Besides, that’s what they have Thai hookers for, right!?! Lol!

Best,
Doug

Response:

From: Cxxxxxx.xxxxx@pt.equinox.com>
To: Doug Kramer
Awesome man, I can definitley help you out with your goals! What is your availability like during the week? I look forward to training.

Cxxxxx Xxxxxx

Sent from my iPhone”

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Doug Kramer #1

An email to a chiropractor:

“Hello Dr. M———-,

I’ve been suffering from back and shoulder problems for awhile now.  My buddy says that I should check out a chiropractor and get adjusted.  Is that when you crack my back??  I have to say, I’ve always been nervous of chiropractors.  I’m afraid that you’ll crack my back and end up breaking my spine and then I end up shitting and pissing myself.  That doesn’t happen right?  So what are you’re rates?  Is this an hourly thing like a massage?  On that note, do you guys do “happy endings” or is that out-of-line?
Thanks and look forward to hearing from you,
Doug”
No response…
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Doug Kramer

I am Doug Kramer.  Doug Kramer is me.  All philosophical rhetoric aside, Doug Kramer is a persona that I created for some good “clean” email fun!