Category: Words

Uh-oh, you’re the Maid of Honor and you forgot to write a toast!  Don’t worry, here’s a solid go-to for anyone in a pinch.

For the Maid of Honor or someone connected to the Bride:

“Hi everybody.  I’m Lisa¹ and I’m the Maid of Honor². Thank you to Courtney and Richard’s parents for this amazing day.³

Courtney⁴ is my best friend and the kindest person I know.  I remember the first time I ever met Courtney.  We were at a club in Los Angeles and she spilled her drink on my outfit.  (Shocked gasps!)  I know, usually a bitch’ll get cut for something like that.  But Courtney was so sweet and so funny I couldn’t help but just fall absolutely in love with her.  Right then, in that moment, best friends were made.

I remember when I was pregnant with Toby⁵, Eric⁶ was out of town on business and my water broke.  I was so scared.  I had no idea what to do, so I called Courtney and she came with me to the hospital.  That’s type of person she is.  When your man isn’t there during one the most important moments of your relationship, Courtney will be. 

Richard, you have, without a doubt, the most beautiful, caring, and amazing woman in the world.  You better be the most loving, caring, and support husband ever.  Ever.  Or I’ll cut you. 

Now raise a glass for the two sweetest and loving people I know!”

1- Your name might not be Lisa.  Change accordingly.

2- You may not be the Maid of Honor.  Change accordingly.

3- A couple things here, the bride and groom may not be named Courtney and Richard.  Also, their parents may not have paid for this beautiful wedding.  Moreover, their parents might be dead.  Work with what you got.

4- Like I said, the bride’s name might not be Courtney.

5- Were never pregnant?  Make it a lost dog.  Either way, Toby works.

6- Your husband’s name might not be Eric.  Change accordingly.  Not married?  He’s boyfriend then.  Still works.

Have you been called upon to give a toast at a wedding?  Don’t know what to say?  Have a near-crippling fear of speaking in public?  Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.  Just follow the easy-to-read toast and you’ll be life of the party/wedding/roast!

For the Best Man or someone connected to the Groom:

“Good evening all you beautiful people.  First, I want to take a moment to thank everyone for being here and making this day as special as it is.

I’ve known Harry¹ since college.  Through some lucky twist of fate we were placed as roommates together during our freshman year.  It’s safe to say, I’ve been through a lot with this guy.  Late nights studying.  Even later nights listening to him snore. (Pause for laughter)

Harry is the type of person that you can count on to be there for you.  When I lost my leg², I found myself in a pretty dark place.  I remember Harry visiting me.  I’ll never forget the words you said to me.  Do you remember?  He said to me, “Harry, shit like this happens.  Now, lock it up.”  He patted me on the shoulder and I knew – I knew – that everything would be alright from that point on.

And now we’re here today on this beautiful beach³ with these two beautiful people and I want to say, Monica⁴ you have a great guy here.  I know that he’ll be there for you through all the good times and the difficult ones.  And Harry, don’t fuck it up.  (Pause for laughter)

Now, let’s raise a glass.  To Monica and Harry.  They’re the fuckin’ best.”

1- The groom’s name may not be Harry.  Change as needed.

2- If you have both your legs, choose something else you lost.  Your virginity perhaps, or your wallet.

3- Hall, castle, mansion, estate, vineyard, etc.

4- The bride’s name may not be Monica.  Change as needed.